Venturing into Anger

(this originally was written just for me)

(a bit of a disclaimer, this is me working through the yuckity yuck. No intention of acting on my graphic images. Just letting myself be angry. I originally was writing just for myself. )

I am so angry. I know life with others could be wonderful and beautiful and yet I am continually sidelined. I know my patience is wearing very very thin and I have little left for what I call bullshit. Damn I am writing for myself here and I am so used to posting my writing in a public space that it feels hard to write just for myself. Man’s inhumanity to man in all it’s incarnations gets me down, very very down. Damn I still feel I am writing for or to others. It interferes with my voice!

I cannot walk out into a community when if I draw boundaries over the simplest things I get shunned for doing so. My shit is not yours and yours is not mine. And can we please do our own work! Clearly it is not possible. I am fucking angry and don’t want venture out into this community under these circumstances. It reduces me to a beggar, as someone less than, and I can hardly be myself in these circumstances.

What to do, what to do?!?!?

It makes it almost impossible to see clearly what I actually want. What I actually need in the moment, as I want to stamp my feet and bang my head against the floor. And I do not want to be in a situation where I am being sidelined as it will bring out my worst and just compound the situation. I miss that I used to scream, it made me feel so good instantly. I could shut the window and scream.

I just need to be around people. But not endlessly discussing the shit of what is going on. Or sitting with a bunch of woman my age, discussing children and grandchildren, it would make me feel desolate and absolutely psycho.

When someone welcomes me in, which is on the rare and not something I have experienced in person in a very long time. It lets me truly be myself, blossom and bloom. And yet when I am not wanted and have nobody reaching towards me or many backs are turned, I just feel like a snarling wild animal, caged and angry and desperate for release.

I just want to rant about this! I really fucking want to scream! We are in the middle of a war on humanity and I know people’s patience is thin like mine. And people’s traumas are getting compounded and brought to the forefront. But I don’t understand cruelty. I don’t understand the attitude of defensiveness that overrides all possibility of showing your fellow ‘man’ any humanity.

And now I just want to go out into the world and slash tires and burn down houses and shake people until their eyes pop out of their heads. I feel so fucking vilified. How do other’s turn their backs so easily? Because you wanted me so much and you felt rejected because you did something subtle and intimate and you couldn’t follow it up by speaking to it, you just turned your back on me instead. And yet your gesture of reaching up and lacing your fingers between mine speaks to love and this is not love. And you speak of God and how important he is in your life. And this is not God. Turning your back on me who I can only guess you loved, but when I tell you isolation is catching up with me you turn away? How could you have felt love for me in any way if this is where you go?

This speaks to such a lack of integrity that I am dumbfounded. I want to pounce on you and strangle you.

And you, another, come here because you profess to love me. You show up in the wee hours of the morning demanding I pay attention, when you made a horrible decision to come here in the dark, with no phone, no ability to navigate if you get lost. And lost you did get (and I realize as I write this how well and truly lost you really are) wandering around for hours, taking wrong turns and backtracking, finally amazingly getting here, not an easy place to find in the least. Banging on my door when I had finally drifted off to sleep after waiting most of the night, having no idea where you were. You could have curled up in your car when I did not answer. But instead you banged on one door and then another until I woke. And you said you wanted to bring me flowers (which thankfully you didn’t as I am not a box of red roses kind of woman, I am wildflowers through and through), but you didn’t bring me flowers. You brought me yourself in the dark, in the wee hours of the morning. A man I never met and needed to go slow with. And then you were in my bed. And if you hadn’t been I would never have known how beautiful your touch was. How giving and loving you could be. And so somehow I am thankful, although it made it confusing and damn hard to let you go. And now I understand, with glaring clarity, why it is smarter to go slow and become physically intimate only when one really learns another. But I have come from an upside down backward world and upbringing and am only beginning to understand this. Even though I am not sure I do as I have met sides of myself jumping into physical relationships with others that I would never know otherwise. And if I was so deeply irreversibly in love with someone and then found they would shame me because of my physical form that would be even worse. I don’t know, after all my world is upside down and doesn’t look to be righted anytime soon. And I just want to go out but I don’t want to deal with ticks!!! Of which there are so many. Man do I want to slam something!!!

So what is the difference between being wanted too much, as in I don’t really want to go there with someone, or not being wanted at all, as in I am not even seen or wanted in any way shape or form. Not welcomed in or acknowledged as a fellow human.

I love this world, this sweet peaceful place I live, but I swear I am going to clock someone.

I am tired of toxic triggering men who act like they have no choice but to be toxic and triggering and say stupid things like ‘I’m evil’ or ‘You can’t trust me’. If you are so evil or so incapable of being trusted then why don’t you just shut the hell up? It seems an easy answer to me. Or better yet that face mask that none of us agree as being the least bit healthy or something we want to use, why don’t you slap one of those across your face, or better yet maybe some duct tape! Or some kind of tape that is really hard to remove! You are in my space and you are not allowed!!! Plain and simple, so walk away now!!!

And most of all I am tired of being swallowed up in my own anger which is simply telling me, NO. I don’t need to pound you or be reactive with you, I just need to say no. I would rather be alone in this beautiful place than to face you down or turn my back on you. I know there is another way. I can even visualize it, but I am not quite there yet. And with that I will forgive myself for being exactly where I am and not quite able to stand in my power completely. Not yet, but beware I am pretty damn close.