Thoughts on anger

a reflection, a ramble

(a grouse was in the tall grasses as I was writing and hopped up on the edge of this raised bed outside my window)

I am of the mind that feelings just need to be felt, allowed to flow through.

I always think of the image of a river, it’s water’s need to flow to be healthy.

But what does healthy anger look like?

It is an intense passionate feeling and much vilified. But in my experience it is just my body saying no. Telling me I need to draw a much needed boundary. It’s telling me something feels rotten (and very much compounded by all shit I’ve been through and all the shit we are all going through, because it is all rotten).

I live alone in an isolated quiet place. I have found I can scream here and quite loudly. Surprisingly so, who knew! Most of us don’t get to explore this. The scream can last a moment or two and I feel completely fine after. But nobody has to listen to me. Until recently when someone was here and needed my no.

One day I slammed my hand down on the table and screamed. Words accompanied the scream. I left the room and sat in silence. But I didn’t feel backed up or stewing in my anger or contracted and just trying to cope. I felt okay in myself, but not okay with the behavior that frustrated me and left me feeling rejected.

But did he feel okay?

I would somehow doubt it. I would guess it was traumatizing for him whether he was aware of it or not. I know it wasn’t okay.

I am noticing a lot of reactivity in folks. Understandably so. And also have come across some who feel they can be defensive, argumentative, and sometimes very abusive, without stopping to question. I think this is a boundary violation and not healthy. Understandable absolutely, but not really in anyone’s best interest.

I believe that our being able to communicate is about exactly that, communication. Connecting to another, not trampling another’s boundaries as if we have an inherent right to do so.

I met someone recently who had no understanding of this to an extreme. And clearly I struggle with this as well, likely in more ways than I am aware.

This may seem preachy, but I actually write to process and come to an understanding of something within myself. To communicate with myself. Thinking aloud I suppose. So I’m thinking this through as I write.

I realize the missing piece here, as I write, is asking permission. Of the other as well as of myself, when I’m not being asked or consulted.

I should have asked and hopefully I am learning. Or more specifically learning me. Learning to listen to myself and learning to take care of myself. Which includes saying no and asking another if something is okay. Or simply saying I am really frustrated right now and need to scream. I’m going to go into another room and scream into a pillow so I don’t traumatize you and then I’ll be better able to communicate with you.

Anger was not modeled well for me as a child. When my father was angry he would become violent. There was no one to say no to him. When I was old enough I said no to him. But I did not understand healthy boundaries, mine had been brutally violated.

I’ve been thinking about this recently, well I’m always thinking on this in some way, in light of a specific relationship. And in light of what I notice from others. But also in light of Frances Leaders article “Water Miracles” (which is on my feed) and a link in it about structured water https://thewellnessenterprise.com/emoto/

It’s made me think about behavior and vibration and the ill affects of certain behaviors.