The letter
Pieces of myself scattered on the ground. I pick them up and slowly put them back together.
Can you slow down?
It feels hard to reach towards you right now. But I'm here and I'm not saying no.
My body is in a state of confusion. Wondering where I am. Where is that life, that family. Sometimes I am overwhelmingly homesick. My ex and I were able to be still and quiet together from the beginning. I remember snuggling on the couch he had. Kissing forever, my head getting gently pushed between the pillows. Touching hands for an open eternity.
I don't miss him. But I miss the life we made. And I am overwhelmed by betrayal. His betrayal, my children's betrayal of me, my father's betrayal of me. My mother, my brother. All looking different. Playing out differently.
And now this massive endless relentless betrayal of those who have no understanding of anything real. A betrayal that has been going on forever and ever and ever.
It's been gray here too. And nothing is above suspicion, it's tiresome.
When it's gray and rainy I miss the sun, it's warmth, it's light. There is always the quiet question of, will my power turn off. Will I loose the food in my fridge.
And the past is never in the past. It lives in my body, my cells. The endless stress, releasing stress hormones in my body, doing damage in so many ways. Energetic blockages..... endless.... tiresome.
Derailed... interrupted..... exhausted..... as is this story, repetitive, boring, a drip drip drip....
I posted a writing of mine yesterday. Someone commented. Someone who has never weighed in before but who is following. His words, I suppose, were saying... why aren't you speaking to the shit of this.
And I guess I'm screaming, I can't, I don't want to, I'm fucking bored, I want me back!!! And how dare you. Where is his post, his outcrying, how dare he.
How dare they, any of them ever. Be so arrogant, so lost in self, not to be able to see the taking that they do.
I'm all confusion, dampening, depression..... the scream pushed so deep inside. The boundaries so violated, so endlessly.
So forgive me, go slow.
Maybe the clouds will lift, will part.... and I will remember me once again. I will feel and thaw. Maybe sing and dance. Remember once again what it is to be whole, to be human.
The wounded healers. Also human, after all this time! xo When we feel pain, it is natural to react to it, to retract, withdraw. I know that I, too, have communicated feelings that are profoundly personal, intensely felt, and had someone walk into the space opened as a sort of studio, like an art studio with our feelings as the art, hanging there on the walls, for inspection and comment, and are stung when the communication is misinterpreted and rejected somehow... It feels so personal. But they are not feeling the feelings, they are reacting to something they can only apply to themselves, and so may not understand at all... I am not explaining this because I think you don't know it already, no, I am explaining it to myself and hoping it is what you mean, too.
It's helpful to me that you let readers know the kind of comments you'd like, but I felt that you were way too hard on the person who commented yesterday. I actually wanted to like your comment, I agreed with you in sentiment, but not as a response to someone, who I saw as potentially reaching out to give you something, because you'd given something to them?