Circling Shadows

The shadow circles around me, catching me as I dive deep into something unknown. With thoughts I understand when I can't possibly as I've never been here before, not like this. Not with a choice.

The shadow grabs me suddenly and suspends me above myself.

You would look at me and wonder where I had gone.

But I am still here, stalled for a moment.

I am looking into a room in the past. Three people, one on the floor, one sitting on a bed, one standing in the doorway.

A moment that is stopped. Not a picture of, not a snapshot. A suspended moment, as if at any time it could come to life, roll forward. But it sits as if waiting. And I wonder, does it need to replay, to be felt deeply again?

I sit here wondering at this paused scene. And as I do this shadow circles me.

All I want is to see. And so it comes, comes into focus. All I can do is call out, deep in tears, apologizing from the depths of my being, that I should have ever terrorized you. Made you feel unsafe with the one person that you called home. Passed down to you something I swore I never would.

There's nothing left to write or say to you, I've been down that road many times. All I can do now is sit here and look and feel. Grieve deeply into what I have passed along.

The shadows dissipate and I am back wondering at this scene from the past. Where will this take me? Is abuse the most intimate connection I have ever had? Surrendering to rage that rolls over me. You're standing in the doorway as if to say this must be endured, there is no other choice. So you too were a player and I never understood. The 'no' that so desperately needed to be said should have come from you.

Is that my choice now?

Is that all I need to do?

Say no?

Say no, so that I can finally say yes?